The holiday season is a time for family gatherings, traditions and, predictably, some drama-filled conversations. The latter can involve some of the most difficult subjects for families: money, personal finance and what counts as success.
Jokes and jabs, both from parents and children, highlighting generational differences can shut down these conversations, as parents feel defensive and young people feel misunderstood.
While finances and economic conditions change for every generation as they enter the workplace, talking about those changing circumstances can be tricky. For young adults facing new financial realities, including mounting student debt, rising home prices, and stagnating wages, it can be hard to relate to their parents’ experiences.
“I think where that argument gets the most heated is when you have these Boomers who are successful and have figured it out, and they’re trying to hand people in their late 20s and early 30s the manual, and they’re saying, ‘Here it is, here is what I’m telling you, it’s so easy, just take it,’” said Courtney Escher, a 27-year-old creative coordinator living in Los Angeles, who said she struggles to initiate these conversations with her own family.
“I’ve found that the conversation about money and the conversation about dating and sex—they’re actually similarly awkward,” said Brian Haney, a 49-year-old father and insurance executive living in Richmond, Va. “It’s like, it’s painful and the kids find it really awkward and embarrassing and they don’t want to talk about it.”
Parents often leap into a conversation headfirst because they want to throw solutions at a given problem, said Megan McCoy, director of the financial-planning masters program at Kansas State University. For adult children initiating these conversations, they often don’t want solutions or advice—they just want a listening ear or a chance to share.
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“When your kids get older and you see them in pain, it’s scary for the parent. It’s overwhelming, and it makes you frustrated,” Dr. McCoy said.
For both adult children and their parents looking to have productive conversations about money in this atmosphere, Dr. McCoy recommended being clear about goals. Addressing a goal on the front end can set a positive tone to the conversation. If you don’t want advice, be clear about that from the beginning. If you want to check in on someone’s financial health, address that first.
“I think what closes down the conversation is blame or guilt or shame,” Dr. McCoy said. “So frame a conversation as ‘What do you hope to accomplish?’”
Eric Hart, a 53-year-old landscape contractor living in Eldersburg, Md., said he has seen the benefit of starting these conversations early with his nieces and nephews. One of his young nieces has already started her own neighborhood business selling dog treats, and Mr. Hart talked with her about depositing her earnings in a bank account.
“The main thing is you have to be involved with the kids at a young age,” he said of having these discussions. “When the kid is 15 or 16, that can’t be the first time.”
For children explaining the reasons behind their financial decisions, Dr. McCoy suggests opening up such conversations with the “why” behind a choice, so that parents can understand and empathize. She said she always tells her clients—both parents and children—to consider how they can control their own reactions to these uncomfortable discussions, as well as accepting that someone else’s reaction is outside their control.
Understanding how to have these conversations in a productive way could unlock a greater dialogue about money between the generations and their respective financial struggles. For parents, it gives them an opportunity to gain greater understanding about the lives of their kids.
“Nowadays it’s hard to tell when a person actually becomes an adult,” said Dr. McCoy. “Those old symbols of adulthood may not mean the same. We don’t buy a house or get married at the same age we did 20 or 30 years ago,” she said. “It’s hard for parents to see us as adults if we’re single and living with roommates.”
Vaughn Smith, a 20-year-old college student in Kennesaw, Ga., is already feeling nervous about graduating. Some of the goals he wants to reach—succeeding in business like his father, owning his own home with his long-term girlfriend—feel less and less achievable.
Mr. Smith said he has witnessed firsthand how hard it can be for his peers to broach these topics within their own families, but he is able to openly talk about these goals with his father. When he first went to college, he said his dad sat him down to help him budget for the coming school year, and they have frequent discussions about Mr. Smith’s own personal expenses as well as those related to his father’s business. Every Saturday, when he and his brothers meet up with his father for lunch, he knows that money is a topic that is OK to bring up.
“It’s important you have these conversations, because when you don’t have them, that’s when things are uncertain,” he said. “So at the end of lunch, we usually talk business, and having that repetitive structure to it, I don’t balk at talking with my dad and my brothers.”
Write to Julia Carpenter at Julia.Carpenter@wsj.com
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November 30, 2019 at 08:00PM
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For Boomers and Their Children, Money Conversations Can Be Tough - The Wall Street Journal
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